Free from the bonds of debt!
...well, there's still about $35,000 + to go, but this week I paid off ONE of my student loans! Now that's reason to celebrate, isn't it!?
I feel I've reached a new level of "adulthood"... but maybe not. (Who knows, the amount may grow even more if I decide to go back to school someday... sheesh.)
At least I can say that I DID accomplish something in Korea... I know I've complained a lot about my current situation, but it's so hard to be positive in an atmosphere where positive attitudes are "cast out to sea" and friendship in the work place is frowned upon; when your students don't show any improvement and you ask, "Why am I here? Am I really a "teacher"? Am I even any good at what I'm doing????" Life is a confusing thing at times... don't you think? I have gone through high school and university, planning to be a teacher - someone who can challenge students minds and influence children in a positive way, especially in a "world" where
"togetherness" and community are growing less and less common and where often parents don't even know how there kids are doing. Being here has told me that I do like teaching (regardless of the poor work conditions), and where before I thought, "No way! I'm not going to like teaching young kids" now I think that it would be a great "career" to choose. But... there is so much more that I'm interested in. How does a person "choose" what to do with their life, especially after escaping a certain kind of western reality? Now that the end is coming soon, that question looms bigger, and bigger, and BIGGER in front of my face, and even though I'm excited to be back at home, the uncertainty terrifies me... like the big, open, mysterious ocean. I am one teeny, tiny person in this INCREDIBLY HUGE world, where I often view my life choices as not having much significance...but maybe they do and I just don't want to face the "consequences" or "benefits." It's true that running away from problems (I'm REALLY good at that) is easier to do, and this is what I often do, than being brave and telling myself that I can DEAL with the uncertainties, etc. Maybe these fears are a kind of debt and I am anything but free? Financially free, well, getting closer, yes, but what about emotionally, spiritually, etc? Those are the "freedoms" that matter more, aren't they? Where you are not kept in a shell because of your own personal fears?
Well, how's that? I was only going to write the first exciting few sentences, and it's turned into a "self-searching" journal of sorts, with absolutely no resolution on my part (like a 4-3 suspension in a creative, unpredicatable piece of music, where your ear wants to and longs to hear the resolution, but it never does and you are left in a state of tension... you walk away from the music, but in your head you keep singing "4-resolves to 3, 4-resolves to 3, 4-resolves to 3... it has to, it has to, it HAS to!")
To close, here's a quote from some music lyrics that I am listening to right now... kind of fitting:
"I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow*These photos were taken by Andrea when I wasn't really aware... she was preparing to take a picture, and I was "preparing" to be captured, only to realize that she had captured the entire process! Hee Hee!*
A wave tossed in the ocean, a vapour in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling, You catch me when I'm falling
You told me who I am, I am Yours."
posted by Esul... morning dew @ 7:27 p.m.
9 Comments:
no, thoughts like this are common. we have too much freedom, too many options, and we don't really know what to do with it all. just keep going and see what happens. observe yourself along the way, enjoy the ride and keep your eyes on the cross.
wow that sounded cheesy, but seriously.
peace!
Dave, good to hear from you. Your words are always "fresh" and put a really hones and real perspective on things.
Thanks for reading my blog :)
soul searching, huh? not always bad...
you know, you don't have to work in a school teaching to be a teacher. I've found that there are some people who get a job teaching so they can be a teacher. And others who are teachers, so they get a job teaching. But no one says that that has to be the case. If you're a teacher, you're a teacher. End of story. It doesn't matter what your life looks like...it's just who you are. :) It'll work out.
Hey, you! thanks for always commenting so thoughtfully on my blog. I really appreciate it.
it sounds like you are on such a journey...enjoy it...never feel guilty or shamed because you haven't figured it out...God's got you on the move and enjoy the ride! enjoy the people God's placed in your path...love them and love the Lord....He will direct your paths. I can relate to you your searching. :P By the way...I like the candid photos!!!! Kudos to your sister!
Hey HOTTTTTTTTTYYYYYYYY! (AKA Rachel)
Well, you look very beautiful in those pictures and I wish I was there next to you. Nice sun glasses by the way, haha.
Life is full of potential. Do you know why I love jazz? Because jazz has a lot of potential. The same song could be played an infinite amount of times. But within jazz there is still structure. Like the limitations of your instrument, the subtle nuances of Western music, and the characters of the other people you are playing with. In life, we need structure. If we had no structure and we limitless possibilities than we would really be bound by millions of opposing concepts and paradigms. I think for Christians our paradigm is the imperitives found in the Bible. Also, within the will of God there are many options that we could do. You don't have to be doing one sort of career or thing in life to be in God's will. Anyhow, those are my thoughts on your blog. I love you and I 'll talk to you later.
love sean
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Honey, this is great encouragement! Thanx for sharing your thoughts... I always love hearing and reading ;) how you think :D
It's difficult for me to face myself and acknowledge that I'm far from the person I thought I was, or far from the person I want to be. I feel that it is my own fault because of my exceptional ability ;) to put up walls... not something I should be proud of.
Anyway, will comment more later... the toilets don't work at our school (welfare building... disgusting germs!!!) so I'm gonna go buy some food and find a bathroom! Hahaha!
Thanks for the comment on the sunglasses... I really love them...and they look GREAT with the outfit you sent me!
I love you...and I was sooooo happy I got to talk to you on my break...it made my day so MUCH BETTER! "사랑해요"
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Thanks, Rachel for commenting such heartfelt stuff on my blog. It blesses me oodles. You rock and take care...."Beautiful Teacher!"
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